3 months since my last post. Unbelievable. I never thought I’d reach a point where I wouldn’t be posting on this blog weekly, never mind monthly.
It’s been a year. A year since I found out there wasn’t going to be another child. I’ve been having a rough month, and today, today was horrible. An acquaintance of mine, someone who used to work in the local coffeeshop, who I knew from playgroup, whose son used to play with mine at the pond, she was in a non-European foreign country for work with her son.
And yesterday, he died.
He was 3.
Her only child.
They have not come home yet. We are all in shock. They were due home in only a week or two. He contracted an illness and died before they could reach the hospital.
My nightmare, in flesh. My problem is that I can imagine that happening to me, that I would lose the Chieftain. I honestly don’t know what I would do.
I missed another month of posting. Although, to be fair, it was a fairly busy month and I’m not sure anyone reads this blog apart from me anymore.
So, we went to Scotland, where I did not see any of my old co-workers who are probably now on kids 2 or 3. The Chieftain loved the trains, planes, and buses. He loved his uncle and cousins, Mr Oro’s best friend and her children (19 and 2 1/2), and would probably love her eldest’s baby if he had yet been born (due this month. It was good to get away, good not to have to do anything apart from exist. Still, I had a couple of unpleasant epiphanies that I can do nothing about.
I’m having Even Moar health issues, and spent last Monday wearing a Holter Monitor for shits and giggles. Let’s just say that after 30 years of heart palpitations, I had some that really scared me, so of course I didn’t have any while I was wearing the monitor. I’m fairly sure it’s down to pre-menopause, dehydration, and low vitamins. I’ve spent the year eating very poorly (because rice cakes are not a meal)(and skipping multiple meals in a day is not healthy) and now I’m reaping the benefits. And no, I have not lost any weight – seriously, why did you even think that was going to happen?
Anyway, I’m still exhausted, still not sleeping, but am now only down to the odd panic attack. Still lasts for hours, but beggars and all that.
Am working on various Secret Santa things, plus Small Fandom Bang due in April. I do fully intend on working on my own work in the new year. Oh! And I’m driving the crack-van for small fandom month on livejournal. I got way sucked into Sherlock BBC fandom. And Tumblr. And Sherlock on Tumblr. All I can say is…wow. Red Pants Monday. NSFW. I won’t link, you can google and get a great idea of what that’s about. There’s also Friday, which is, uh, yeah, really NSFW. But wow is it hot.
I really look forward to Mondays.
So, what else…oh, there are other things, but I’m tired and I still have things to read before I go to bed. Will update you on the Chieftain.
Oh yeah, um, I’m having trouble ah, dealing with my Oro account on fb. I just don’t go there a lot, but if you don’t mind a lot of ranting, kpop vids, and vaguebooking, feel free to email me for the family fb account. I’m the one who posts there most often anyway.
Title: Sloane Rangers and Lager Lovelies Author: Dryad Rating: X, NC17, M/o, XO Spoilers: pre-XF, mytharc Size: 162k Archive: Please do. A note where would be fabu. Summary: ‘Green and pleasant land’ indeed, he mused, shuffling along
with the crowd, hoping to board the Circle line before the doors
closed. He couldn’t imagine London ever being anything less than
dirty and grey and filled with people he didn’t like. Feedback: I like it. hekateris at gmail dot com
Author’s Note: This story may be triggering for sex trauma. No
minors are injured in this story.
That’s what it feels like, when I’m writing. A pressure in my head that can only be relieved by the writing of the scene, or the idea.
I’ve been working on a Big Bang* for nearly two months (originally started in…2006?) and have less than 2 weeks to complete the rough draft. That’s not happening, but I do plan to post on 10/13, which is when the final draft is due.
And I got sucked into another [small, but fabulous] fandom.
And I joined another writing challenge community on livejournal for my regular writing.
I am busy. Probably overextending myself in the writing department, but needs must. And it is a fabulous distraction from everything else that’s going on in my life, over which I frequently despair.
Still completely obsessed with Kpop. Am now trying to learn Korean (still working on the alphabet) and have started watching Coffee Prince on Hulu. It’s fabulous, if you need a new show.
* a Big Bang is for work: fic, art, or meta of 15k words, 5 art works, or 2500k words in your chosen fandom/writing. I’m already at 15k words with no end in sight,
Goddamned K-Pop. To say I am obsessed is an understatement. HOLY FUCK PEOPLE.
Cannot. Stop. Listening.
And now, you lucky, lucky people, here are some more of my favorites, including vids by Simon and Martina, two Canadians who have been teaching in Korea for 4 years. They are fabulous and funny and I WANT TO BE THEIR FRIEND. You will, too. You can find more by them on YT and their own page, Eat Your Kimchi.
Can’t remember how many of these have translations – most, I think. If not, just google under the band name, lyrics, English and Romanji.
Daesung (BIGBANG) – Baby Don’t Cry. Daesung’s voice is like buttah. BUTTAH. He also makes an amazing blond. I’ll be in my bunk*.
f(x) – Let’s Try. One of the few girl bands I like (because they have a little attitude, which most sorely lack). Great vocals here.
SHINee – Hello. Simon and Martina don’t like the choreo, but SHINee’s smiles make up for it, imo. Their voices, too.
Trouble Maker – ‘Trouble Maker’. Apparently a one-off by two singers from two different bands. Totes awesome tune, and some pretty risque moves. For the record, Simon says he has never seen minis so…mini.
Wonder Girls – Like This. Hated it the first time I heard it, now I want to learn the )(YR#E dance. Shit. I’m hooked but good.
Clazziquai Project – Flea. K-Indie, and fucking awesome. Dark, but not downtempo.
SHINee – Ayo. Gorgeous vocals.
BIGBANG – Haru Haru (Day by Day). Hard to pick just two vids…
BIGBANG – Bad Boy. [I wish I wasn’t a bad boy…]
Simon & Martina FAPFAPing. I really want Korean food, now, but the local doesn’t deliver. Le sigh. Top Ramen just doesn’t cover it.
Somewhere, on one of the vids, I saw someone say that K-pop was like an infectious disease – you only need to be exposed once or twice before it TAKES YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN…
Was that overly dramatic? Because, honestly, I was totally blindsided and sucked in, too. It’s pretty awesome.
*Jayne Cobb (so you’ll get that when people say it if you don’t already get it)
There is so much I could talk about, like my writing, and the Chieftain, and depression and food issues and dog attacks and black clothing and two(2) new coworkers since my last post, but instead I’m going to post some of my new favorite videos from bands that are old to millions but new to me, and very probably new to you. Let’s get on with it, shall we?
Thanks to crack-van I have discovered K-pop. And it’s all down to this post introducing one of Asia’s supergroups, Super Junior. Now, I have only dipped a two into the sea that is K-Pop, but I already have some loves. Imma gonna slap some videos up – mostly four-on-the-floor dance tunes, with some solo efforts. I have not yet discovered any girl or girl groups that I like. Oh! And there’s an…eye-opening…fanservice video. Seriously, why aren’t they doing this in the West??
Lyrics in English, Chinese, Japanese, and Romanized Korean are found everywhere online.
Are you ready for the pretty, pretty boys?
Super Junior – Sorry Sorry (they can actually sing very well w/out the L’il Wayne thing)
Super Junior – Mr. Simple. (I wish they would do more like this intro, which is fabulous)
Super Junior – Bonamana
Super Junior Fanservice – holy crap!
TVXQ! (aka DBSK) – Mirotic (I did not like this when I first heard it, but am totally hooked on them now)
TVXQ! – Keep Your Head Down (the three other members of the band are in a subgroup JYJ)
Primary – Zoo (at last, something a little different! love the funky chorus)
Primary – See Through. (Like a mix of Justin Timberlake and Jamiroquai)
BigBang – Fantastic. (I <3 them so hard it's not even funny. Freddie Mercury would too! Perhaps in more ways than one...)
BigBang – Monster. (These boys are clearly on the fashion tip with their latest.)
G-Dragon (BigBang) – Heartbreaker.
SHINee – Lucifer.
T.O.P (BigBang) – Turn It Up. (OMFG. The Hotness. Seriously)
No, not that kind of surprise, though I did unsub from 3 blogs over the past couple of days. It’s been a bad week, emotionally – did I mention one of the mom’s at the Chieftain’s school is pregnant with her fourth? I think I did, I don’t know.
It’s difficult, forcing myself to transition out of the world of infertility. Remaining in this world with only one child is as dangerous, sad, and depressing as not having that child in the first place. I feel stupid for feeling so desperately sad all the time. From Wednesday on the overwhelming word in my mind was ‘ugly’. It’s only a script, though one I’ll never outgrow, I don’t think, a script that began so long ago it feels like it’s always been part of me.
We were talking about marriage during my last therapy session, and I said I had never wanted to be married, but there was more truth to it that I didn’t mention. I’ve always assumed I would never get married because I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting me in that way – hell, I still don’t. Marriage was a convenience so I could continue to see Mr Oro, but neither one of us wanted to get married. We had to as I was a foreign national. My experiences in life have led me to believe that I am undesirable – I know, everyone would say that’s not true if I were to ask them, but the thing they don’t understand is that I have lived the proof. In my next life, I would like to be pretty, with a physical body in the norm, and smart.
I was trying to think of when this all started, and I realized I was very young, maybe 8, possibly 9, definitely by 10. Perhaps being put on my first diet at 9 had something to do with it, probably. I remember being utterly humiliated in the pediatrician’s office as he spoke to me as if I were somehow totally responsible for the weight I’d gained since we’d moved to town. Maybe he didn’t understand the facts of my situation, to wit: I went from eating mashed potato (boxed!) sandwiches and bringing Grape Nuts and Carnation instant powdered milk to school for lunch. Ah, childhood. Anyway, I went from eating that 2-3 times a day to eating regular food – no wonder I gained weight. Not that I was fat (or so people tell me), he just didn’t like how much weight I’d gained. It makes me wonder what I would be like now if he’d left well enough alone. I suppose this is all coming up do to my anxiety about returning to Scotland 25lbs heavier, along with angsting about driving to Boston, waiting in the airport, then the flights themselves, being back in Aberdeen.
I dread it.
I am so ugly I can hardly stand myself.
The only attractive parts of my physical body are my lips and hair, everything else looks like shit. The best part of me is my brain, of course, but that doesn’t matter, because people value what they see. Shallow, yet true.
I am friends with some of my half-siblings on facebook. Sometimes they talk about how much they miss our father and I never have anything to say. It’s weird. I felt nothing towards him when I was a child – he existed, some where else. I knew I had one sibling, though I thought I was the oldest. When he died I cried, briefly, then raged for a long time. He’d called me, once, left a message on my answering machine – it just occurred to me that I have no idea how he got my number – but it took me six months before I realized who he was. He mailed me two letters, but they were really for my mother. He was killed by a car four years later, the sum total of our interaction two letters and a deleted phone message. No, I think my mom has a picture of me and him when I was a baby. There is no connection, though, no emotional attachment.
Now that the Chieftain is here, I find myself watching his and Mr Oro’s interactions and I wonder how my life might have turned out differently if I’d had a caring male figure in my life. If someone had called me pretty, or said I looked nice (it is entirely possible that my mother said these things, but I doubt it) when I was little, would I have believed them, I wonder? Would I be less concerned with how I look? Would that have been a foil to my mother’s anger and disgust at my weight gain?* Would I feel less ugly if I had had a man in my life to tell me I was desirable?
So anyway, this week has been bad. I am drab, growing older. I find myself wanting to wear black all the time, a statement of intent, the declaration of feeling, the ease with which I don’t have to worry about trying to look decent. Alas, I do not have enough of it in my wardrobe.
Food has of course been an issue, too. Yesterday I couldn’t finish even half of my lunch time salad, ate the rest of it for tea and then later on had wine and a huge bowl of popcorn for dinner. And even after that it was hard to make myself eat this morning. The hilarious part of being a death fatty is, naturally, not eating enough. I feel the hunger, it’s just that sometimes I can’t eat. Or I’ll eat food I shouldn’t (yesterday it was loads of nuts and dried fruit and an Italian soda, today it was potato chips and chocolate and two tablespoons of cola). Compounding today’s depression was the lack of sleep – 4 hours is not enough. Tonight I’m aiming for 5 hours, which means i need to stop writing and go brush my teeth and watch another episode of the X Files.
Let’s leave on a happy note (I was thinking about ending with Novacaine for the Soul, but that seems too emo, even for me. Especially when this entire post has been beyond emo):